LEGENDARY Spider Encounter...

So, I know I am a BIG OL' SISSY when it comes to spiders, but I swear to you, my fear was validated Friday night...

A little set up:

My front door is a little dark, even with the light on. It is nine o'clock at night, I have all three kids, and all their stuff, all MY stuff, my 2 year old is very upset because she has a badly skinned knee, 5 year old is tired and "just wants to go home" and Blake is hungry. Also, we just spent the evening at a school carnival so everyone is a little tired, a little whiney and Mommy is more than a little overwhelmed...o, and I'm in flip flops....

Ok, so - I start the approach to the door, when I see something large and black in front of the "Welcome" mat (how ironic...) just sitting there. I get closer, staring, trying to figure out what in the hell it is, when..... IT MOVES.

HOLY SHIT, IT IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING SPIDER I HAVE SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

I grab the girls, stop them from tramping up the stairs to the porch, and watch this monster run into the corner by my door, with all the brush to camofluage its self.

Oh, shit what am I going to do now???? I am shaking, but don't want my kids to see me get upset, so I say "Ok, sorry kids, we have to get back in the car for a minute!"

Despite their whining and arguing, they all get back in the car. I find a plastic block in the front yard and chuck it at the spider... doesn't do a damn thing... I look around for bug spray, check the truck for something to hit it with... I can't find shit.

So, I call my sister. Shelly!! What do I do??? She asks me if I am drinking anything... why yes I am - Mt. Dew! Which I will gladly sacrifice for this battle. So I get my soda and start throwing it at the corner...

OMG THIS IT IS EVEN BIGGER THAN I THOUGHT! IT'S LIKE A FREAKIN' TARANTULA!!!

Ok, no shit, this thing was the size of the top of a pop can. Not a bottle.... A CAN. Two and a half inches in diameter... Scariest fucking thing I've ever seen. It starts crawling up the side of my door as I just pissed it off with the pop thing... well shit.

Now what, Shelly???? I am almost in tears now. I am alone with my kids, trying not to scare them, out of ammo, in flip flops, and completely petrified of spiders. She says "I'm coming to help". Omg, really??? Thank you, thank you, thank you! I ask if she is bringing some spray or something, she said she will bring a flyswatter... are you kidding me? A flyswatter? This Loch Ness of Spiders with snatch the flyswatter from her and beat her with it!!! Oh crap...

I get in the car and take a quick spin around the block, over to QT so Josie can pee, and then back to the Porch O' Doom. I park my car diagonal so I can shine my headlights on the door, as if I am about to perform surgery or something - need good light for this!! I get out, and with the new perspective with the headlights, I spy out of the corner of my eye... The Hose. Oh, yes, the garden hose! How could I have overlooked it?!

My sister is pulling up as I am turning the water on, and is walking up to the porch as I start spraying...

HE IS PISSED!!! WOOOOO HOOOOO he takes off running, and I keep spraying! I get him away from the door, and down the steps towards my sister who is waiting with her flyswatter... it was like watching someone getting ready to try and kill a bear with a loose leaf notebook... hmmm... could it work????

Bigfoot (aka Spider of Death) has now figured out what is spraying him with the goddamn hose, and makes a sharp 90 degree turn to come straight at me!!! OH SHIT!! Shelly lifts the flyswatter over her head, and.... WHAM! .....

WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM WHAM!!!!

Shelly has SAVED THE DAY!!!!! The spider of epic proportions is dead, and even all dead and curled up, the thing is still bigger than a fifty cent piece...

So, then I proceeded to spray the front porch for a good minute or so, JUST IN CASE there is another one hanging out or he has laid eggs for more gargantuan spiders. The All Clear is sounded, so it is back to the car and back to grabbing all my kids, their stuff and mine, although this time I have sissy there to help... Mia is saying over and over "Yea Delly!" and I couldn't have agreed more!

With the all clear, I pile all the kids in the house, still paranoid about spiders... Discreetly eyeing ever corner of every room as I walk through the house turning on every single light... Get the kids in bed and make myself a REALLY big drink (I had earned it)...

Thanks Shelly!!! You are my hero!!!