Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Vomit, Vomit, O' Glorious Vomit

There are some things that happen to you as a mother, that you NEVER thought you would get used to. In your head, you groan "Omg, not AGAIN. This is SO freakin' disgusting!"

Getting peed on, spit on, pooped on, dirty little fingers getting shoved into your mouth to touch your teeth, putting a supository in your kid's butt and then cheering them on as they try to dislodge the gigantic turd that has been backing them up for 2 days, cleaning poopy diaper after poopy diaper, having to wipe a 3 year olds butt for them, smearing diaper rash cream on all of your children's private parts, a 5 year old using YOUR shirt as a Kleenex, and having your son giggle every time you use a wipey on him because it jiggles his balls. (I threw that last one in there, because that STILL cracks my shit up. He is just like his daddy....) All of these things in life that you NEVER thought it would be possible to "get used to"... but you eventually do.

They are so many things that I didn't even realize I had gotten used to, until someone else points it out. Like the fact that I am unable to go to the bathroom or take a shower or bath ALONE. Ever. The fact that almost on a daily basis, my youngest daughter will surprise me by putting some kind of food in my mouth (half the time it is something she had already tasted and didn't like so she thought she would give it to me, and the other half of the time she has dirt and gunk and shit all over her hands from god knows where and jams those in my mouth too).

But there is ONE THING that I don't think I will EVER get used to - puke.

I hate puke. I am a sympathetic puker: if I see it, hear it or smell it, I will be there puking right next to you...

So, I think it is a really mean joke that Mia has taken up vomitting as a hobby. (She had a medical condition, she really can't help it). She has been getting better the past couple of months, so I had started to think that maybe we were FINALLY moving out of that phase...

Then comes winter time... every time her nose start running, she is back to vomitting from drainage... UGH. The most recent one, Mia climbed in bed with me, and then puked ALL over me, her and my freakin bed (including my favorite pillow!!!! DAMMIT!!!)

Now Blake has been doing to the past 3 days... Oh please shoot me now. His was probably the scariest ever because he did it in his sleep and started choking... OMG. Scared the shit out of me.

Please please please, in this upcoming year, grant me less puke. If that is the only thing that goes right for me this year, I will be completely thrilled.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Early Christmas Present(s)...

Soooo, as most of you know, I'm not really good at this whole "Christmas" thing. The whole, "Put up Chrismas lights, decorations, and the tree the weekend after Thanksgiving, buy presents, wrap them, send out Christmas cards with a family picture and a cute, detailed newletter describing what my family is up do, stockings filled with fun little toys and candy, blah, blah, blah". That is not how it usually goes at MY house... I kind of have my OWN family tradition...

At my house (the last few years, anyways) my family tradition goes a little something like this:

  • Do Christmas shopping whenever I have extra time. (Weekends, lunch hours, etc)

  • Put up Tree (skip the lights outside) SOMETIME in December.

  • Decorate the Tree SOMETIME before Christmas Eve.

  • Buy Christmas cards on one of my shopping outtings.

  • Make the same list over and over again for who I need to still buy for and what I will get them...

  • TRY to make an appointment for family pictures (to put in my Christmas Cards, of course), always too late, never able to get in before Christmas...

  • Take one final shopping trip with my Daddy on Christmas Eve (sometimes on the 23rd instead).

  • Sit up all night on Christmas Eve drinking, watching A Christmas Story, eating Santa's cookies and wrapping my "plethora" of gifts.

  • Realize I never sent my fucking Christmas cards out, and have another drink to make me feel better about fucking this up, YET AGAIN.

So, that is USUALLY how it goes. So this year, I really wanted to get some things done more efficiently, and make the holiday a little more enjoyable for my kids...

What a fucking joke.

I HAVE done all my Christmas shopping (yea for me), and my Tree IS up (not decorated, oops). I bought more Christmas cards, and Pat showed me a drawer in the office that has 17 boxes of unused Christmas cards from years past. Oops. I tried to call the photo place, again a week or two too late, and they were unable to fit me in before Christmas. Drats. Oh, and a newsletter? Wtf ever. No way in hell was that getting done. I was completely deluding myself thinking that was even a possibility.

Last night, I forced Patrick to help me wrap some gifts, as I was DETERMINED to get some freakin' presents under the tree at least a day or two early. We were up until about 12:30 last night and got all the "outgoing" gifts wrapped and a few for the girls. So about half. Yea for me!!!

This morning Mia woke up at 5 am (WTH???) and I convinced her to climb in bed with us. She crawled all over me, hit me, kicked me, talked, and finally decided she wanted down. Pat got up, agreed to take her downstairs, get her some donuts, and come back and wake me up at 6:15 so I could ready for work (and let him go back to bed for a little while).

At 7:40, I woke up, and realized that I was LATE AGAIN!!! Geez! So I run downstairs and find Pat sleeping on the couch. I start YELLING (seriously yelling very loud) and he just kept right on snoring... I turned on the lights, still yelling...still snoring...

It is at this point that I realize I am standing knee deep in wrapping paper. WTF?

Mia is jumping up and down in excitment at all of her NEW TOYS!!! Yep, she unwrapped almost all the gifts...


So, my entire evening last night was a complete waste of fucking time...Stupid mommy...

I'm going back to my old tradition... it worked much better. Oh, and while I wrote this, I realized that I have YET AGAIN forgotten to send out my Christmas cards... I will never learn, will I?

So, if you were expecting a gift from us this year, and are DYING to know what I got you, give Mia a call, I'm sure she would be happy to tell you... she knows what EVERYONE is getting this year!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Welcome to "The Mia Show" - Wear a Cup...

Well, Mia is two now, and it is REALLY starting to show. I know the whole "terrible two's" is bullshit (it's really the 2's, 3's, and 4's), and Mia is really living up to the legend!! In fact, this past week or two, she has really outdid herself...

Some of you may know, and some may not, that Mia is middle child (which by definition, is an attention hog). She is the one on the right, with the chubby cheeks and dimples... cute right?? WRONG. So much of what this child does is NOT FREAKIN' CUTE at all. Sometimes she is just plain MEAN! She got her daddy's cute smile and her mommy's bad attitude! (Why couldn't she have gotten something GOOD from me, like my amazing sense of humor, or my ability to win people over the second I meet them????)

First, she picks on Josie. Constantly. Now, as discussed in a previous blog, Josie is a bit of a pansy. Now, I LOVE LOVE LOVE her, don't get me wrong, but, wow, she is a big puss. I cannot count the number of times I have been in the kitchen (bathroom, bedroom, living room, outside, inside, in the car, etc, etc) and heard Josie SCREAM and start crying something about "Mia did (insert mean thing Mia did here)".... It's usually like, Mia took my toy, or Mia turned off the TV, or Mia changed the channel, or Mia ate my poptart, or Mia licked my face, or Mia is in my spot, or Mia hit me with a remote (flashlight, flyswatter, piece of paper, dolly, shoe, shirt, you name it, I've heard it). Now, I really do my best to keep them civil, but they are siblings and they will fight. About everything.

I am now starting to realize why my mom was such a bitch. (Love you mommy!!!) Her children MADE HER that way!!!!

So, anyways, she picks on Josie. Oh, well, I do my best with time outs, say you're sorry's, give hugs, and so on. I try to teach the be nice crap that was shoved down my throat as a child, and Mia listens about as well as I did...

Let me just give you a few examples of crap Mia has been doing...

Keep in mind this is just in the one hour in the morning as I get ready for work, and the couple hours at home in the evenings for the past 2 weeks...

Ok, here we go....

One night I was feeding my son, and the girls come down to ask for a snack. I look at the clock and it is about 15 minutes until bedtime. So I say no. Josie whines a bit, but sulks off back into the play room to get the best use out of her 15 minutes... Mia doesn't. She looks at me and says "snack." I looked at her and said "no." She stares at me, then goes upstairs. I figure she went back to her spongebob (like each night before bed) and went back to giving Blake his bottle. I then hear this horrible screeching sound upstairs. I set the bottle down, grab the boy and head up. I see Mia has dragged a dining room chair into the kitchen and was getting her own damn snack... Of course when she sees me, its "hi, mommy.... here!" and attempts to make me believe she thought I could use some Cheetos, and she was just going to get some for me. Sweet kid, huh?

Next, one night after Blake's bath (I still give him a bath in the kind of tub you set on top of the counter), Mia thought she would be helpful and empty the tub for me, I guess. She turned one of the latches and the thing fell into two pieces, spilling a few gallons of dirty soapy water ALLL over my bathroom... She calmly and quietly shut the door, and went downstairs as if nothing had happened. What a doll.

Another night, my father and I had stepped out to smoke, and Pat was in with the kids getting them ready for bed. Mia comes running over to the glass door, yelling about wanting to come outside. I told her (through the door) that it was late, cold, and she was in her jammies, so no, she needed to stay inside. Her face just falls, and I turn back around (feeling secretly triumphant) and resume my conversation. A few seconds later, my father bursts into laughter... I turn back around at Mia and she is bending over, showing me her butt, smacking it with one hand, and yelling "Mama BUTT!"... Awww... can't wait until she shows Grandma THAT trick!

She has broken 3 toys, got stuck in a walker/bouncer thing FOURTEEN times, has dumped 2 boxes of cereal on the floor, put 2 rolls of wrapping paper IN the Christmas tree (took me FOREVER to find them), flushed half a roll of toilet paper, jammed 5 DVD's into the VCR player (as well as 2 small toys and a couple Cocoa Puffs - VCR doesn't work anymore...), hidden my keys twice, and spit in my drink once (she walked up to my glass and started to take a drink of my tea. I said "No, Mia, don't drink mommy's drink. You ask First!" So she spit it back in and said sweetly "Drink Peez?"...).

She also made 3 "accidental" phone calls to people who probably need to be deleted out of my phone anyways, poured a cup of water all over the floor in the kitchen (and then CASUALLY places her cup in the sink and goes back to her coloring book like nothing happened... in walks Mommy and falls straight on her ass...), ate a dime size dollop of Hydrocortizone cream (I called poison control, she is fine) and downloaded 2 spyware things onto Pats computer. (That one is kind of his own fault, he lets her play on there, pushing buttons on the keyboard).

I know what you are all saying - "Geez, watch your fucking kid lady!!!!" But let me assure you, I DO!!!! The majority of these things happen either while I am feeding/changing/bathing my son, while I am in the shower, or while I am cooking dinner/doing dishes. Being alone at home with 3 kids in the evenings (Pat works second shift) is a bit of a challenge, and things are bound to get broken, lost, etc. You still have things that HAVE to be done. You cannot just decide to not cook dinner, or not feed the baby. You make the mistake of going down to switch over the laundry and next thing you know, your walls have green marker on them...

Now, I know that most of this is because Mia is an EXTREMELY independent little girl, and she RARELY asks for anyone to help her do what she wants. She is super fucking sneaky, and if she wants something, she just goes right ahead and does it herself. She has the "Don't worry, I can do it myself" attitude that all 2-3 years old get, but she has it is spades. One of the cereal boxes that was dumped on the floor was due to the fact I was in the shower, and she wanted some more cereal... so she went and GOT IT. That's all. Hmmm....

I really have been working on the "tell me what you need and I will HELP YOU do it" thing, but she seriously just doesn't want anyone's help... Can't decide if that is a GOOD thing, because she will never be dependent on others to do or get the things she wants in life, or if it a habit that I should discourage... Oh, decisions, decisions...

That's the crappy part about being a parent. You HAVE to make decisions that will affect your children's outlook on life and the world. The way they interact with others, the way they handle stressful situations, the way they treat the people around them. Everything you do, your kids are watching, and filing it away in a special little place in the back of their minds for reference or use later on in life.

Both of my daughters are independent, and I think that is something I should be proud of. Josie's strength, of course, is in her ability to make anyone like her. I have noticed (and so have her teachers) that she will play with ANYONE. She is friends with just about everyone in class. She will go from playing dolls and "house" with the girls, straight to Superheroes and cops and robbers with the boys. She received the "Most Caring Student" award in her class last week (every grade had a student nominated), and I was SO proud!!!

I was bragging to a co-worker about her. She gave me a big smile - her comment to me was "Well, I'm sure her mother's influence had SOMETHING to do with that". I was speechless... I hadn't even thought of that. I was just so proud of HER actions, I didn't really consider that it might be a learned behavior and that I had ANYTHING to do with it... I hope that is true. I would like to think that my kids see me as a caring person, and that is how you should act towards everyone.

But back to my point (Sorry!! I get distracted), I really hope that Mia gets through this phase without too much damage to herself or the world around her. But I hope she keeps the independence thing - and I hope it is something else that my children MIGHT have picked up from me... :)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Doctor is OUT

Omg, I don't know what it is about me, but apparently I seem to be the type of person that EVERYONE wants to talk to about their problems! I got to work (late of IS snowing out...) and immediately I have emails from friends and co-workers about allllll their problems.

I have a friend who is having mother-in-law issues, another stressing over Christmas, another worrying about whether or not it is too soon to date since her husband passed, another with men troubles, and even more trying to deal with a myriad of other problems. Now, I have no problem with people needing to vent or blow off steam, as I need to do that too on a daily basis... what my problem is, is everyone wants MY ADIVCE. Some are even getting ready to make, or have just made a decision (usually based on my advice) and need moral support to see it through...

Well, shit, anyone who actually KNOWS me, should know not to ask me for advice!!! I have a condition that causes me to give shitty advice on a daily basis. I can't seem to help it. But in my defense, regardless of how bad my advice is, or how often I get other people into trouble, they always seem to come back for more... I have even found myself going out of my way to stick my nose into other people's business to voice my unsolicilated opinion, which is usually inappropriate at best, and they THANK me for it!!!! They enable me!!!

And moral support? Well, I guess you could say, I have "questionable" morals, so maybe you should look somewhere else for that too...

I find that I seem to be giving the same advice for a lot of different problems lately...

Boss is being a hard ass? Fuck 'em! Do what you think you should.

Husband being a lazy jerk, didn't get you anything for Christmas? Fuck 'em, do something to make yourself happy.

Mother-in-law giving you toilet paper again for Christmas? (This is a real email I got this morning, by the way)... Fuck her! Give the anti-Democrat a copy of Barack Obama's new book. (Yes this was really my advice...).

What would other people think if I started dating? Fuck them! Who care's what they think? If it makes you happy, then do it.

Now, I don't know if my advice is my subconcious trying to tell me what to do about my OWN problems or if this is really the best advice I can think of, but we seem to keep coming back to a common idea - do whatever the hell you want!

Maybe THAT is why people come to me - because I tell them they should do what they want. Maybe they just need to hear someone ELSE say "Sure, go ahead!!"

So I have decided that since I basically suck at giving advice, I'm going to cut everyone off. No more easy way out for you people!!! :)

I am not a therapist. And I never wanted to be. I need therapy myself, so I don't think I am the best one to be giving advice anymore. But I will give one last, STANDING order for anyone that is desperate for a little piece of Angie wisdom.

Please feel free to print this out and tape it to your fridge, or put it in your purse to pull out whenever you need it....


Ok, hugs and kisses everyone, I'll write another "real" blog later :)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Things I Like

I know, I know, everyone probably took a double take at the title, thinking "There are things that she ACTUALLY LIKES??" But there are some things that I enjoy, and most of them are either a little odd, a little embarrassing, a little childish, a little gross or a little unhealthy...or a little of all of those things... :)

First, there are some foods that I LOVE that most people just say "ew".

Foods I Like:

Hotdogs. Oh, GAWD I love me some hotdogs. I like them grilled, boiled, fried, microwaved, sliced up on mini pizzas, on a bun, on a piece of bread, dipped in mashed potatoes or just sliced up cold. I could eat hotdogs every day. And I pretty much do...

Bologna. Mmmmm. My bologna has a first name, it is L-U-N-C-H. I dig on some bologna, man. I LOVE bologna and pickle sandwiches, as well as just putting a piece of bologna in a bowl with a slice of cheese on top and melting it in the microwave. It makes a little bologna bowl, with cheese soup inside!! Yummy!

Pepperoni Slices. I eat these like chips. All the time.

Mayonnaise. I have a fetish with extra mayo on my deli sandwiches. I can't help it, and if you eat lunch with me at a deli, be prepared to see the fantastic white delicacy dripping out the back of my sandwich...and be prepared to watch me scoop it up with my finger and eat it too...

Some Hobbies That I Like:

I like to watch old crap movies. Now, by these I don't mean old sci-fi or black and whites. I mean stupid movies that I LOVED when I was younger and I still love. I actually hide some of these movies so Pat doesn't know I even have them. Some examples of these movies are: Teen Witch ("Top THAT"), Crybaby (O, Johnny Depp in his younger years), Grease TWO ("We're gonna BOWWWWWWWWL TONIGHT!"), The Worst Witch (Oooooh, Mildred!), Labrynth (David Bowie's hair is HAWT), Red Sonya AND all the Conan the Barbarians (all Arnold, and love them ALL!), etc., etc., you get my point. Movies that suck. And I love them.

I like to play video games. A lot. A lot more than I ever tell people. This is a fact that I VERY RARELY EVER bring up in a conversation, mostly because I am just a tiny bit (a whole lot) embarrassed. I know it's stupid, but I really try not to immediately prove to everyone what a loser I am... at least until I get to know you a little better...then I can tell you all about my addiction.

I like to smoke. A lot. It is a hobby and I love it. If you suddenly have the urge to tell me how bad it is for my health or that I would be so much more healthier if I quit, please feel free to have a nice tall glass of "shut the hell up". I know, and I just don't really care. It is legal, and I do not smoke in my house or around my kids. Plus, I might be healthier, but I would be a total fucking bitch...even worse than I am already.

I like to read books. All kinds of books. I love werewolves, vampires, elves, princesses, Indians, cowboys, teenagers, non-fiction biographies, renaissance, horror, thrillers, funny, romantic, cooking, self help, everything. A book (or a gift certificate for a book STORE) is the perfect gift for me. :) A good book is the perfect company for so many boring moments. Like going out to eat alone, waiting in a waiting room, nothing good on TV, power is out (but you still have a flashlight!)etc. And NEVER underestimate the importance of a really good book for a trip to the crapper.

Some "Other" Things I Like:

I like shoes (I know, all women do, right?). But I like CERTAIN shoes. I like shoes/boots with a 3" heel. I like them to have pointy toes. I like them to be free of tassels, buckles or bows... and I like them to be cheap and last forever... :) Sneakers suck.

I like buying appliances. Every time I go to Sears, Lowe's, Best Buy, any place like that, I ALWAYS want to look at appliances. Even if I don't NEED a new one, I sure do WANT one!

I like it when someone brushes my hair. A LOT. There is something soothing and relaxing about it... except for when my daughter, Mia, does it. She rips my hair out by the fucking root, and then hits me in the head with the brush a few times for good measure. Not really that relaxing...

I like porn. I will not go into details. :)

I like to wear my pajama pants EVERYWHERE. I love my jammie pants and probably have more pairs of those than jeans at the moment... I have probably embarrassed several shopping partners over the years with my neverending parade of night clothes, but I don't really give a shit. That's why I just started inviting my sister... she is usually wearing hers too! lol

Ok, there are some things I like. Hope you found it interesting. :)

OH - AND A BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SISTER - NEEDSLEEPY!!!! She is THIRTY BLANK today!!! (See, how I was really thoughtful by not telling everyone your age???)

Love you sis!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I'm Bringing "Sexy Back"

Oh, yes I am. I am SO very proud of myself, and I just felt the need to share a quick update on my ‘journey to whittle down my humongous ass’ with all of you.

I have lost 22 pounds. Since October 22nd. That is 6 weeks. WOOOO HOOOO! That is the size of my one year old niece! OMG!

My goal was originally 40 pounds. At first I looked at the nutritionist and thought, “What the fuck ever lady… Maybe half that…” But what do you know? Now I am feeling that goal is more and more obtainable every day.

I started this diet in a size 14 (read - sometimes a 16) which I was very depressed about. Today I put on a size 10. I’m sorry, maybe you didn’t hear me, I said a FREAKIN’ TEN!!!!!!!! WOW.

Before my diet, there wasn’t a whole lotta sex going on at my house (Well, not the kind with TWO people, just me and B.O.B.). My, my, how things have changed…

For example, this past week I looked like shit, felt like shit, was moping around, not showered, not brushed my teeth, nothing. But Pat kept following me all week. This is how about a dozen conversations went:

Pat: Hey sweetie. How are you feeling? (Attempts to put his hand on my butt, thigh, boobs, or various other naughty places)

Me: I feel like shit. Leave me alone.

Pat: Maybe you just need a shot of penis-cillin (with a big cheesy smile).

Me: Maybe you need a glass of ‘shut the hell up’.

That’s about it. Aren’t we a loving couple?

BUT my point is, after having three kids and gaining… um… a whole shit ton of weight (ok, fine - about 60 pounds) the whole “sexy Angie” took a very looooooong vacation.

I used to wear tiny sexy underwear, stockings, garters, the whole nine yards. Sometimes I even went to the BARE minimum and just went commando! Yeah, I don’t do that shit anymore. I wear GRANNY PANNIES! Oh yes. And I was (until recently) still sporting my maternity undies just because of pure laziness and the lack of desire to go new (read – BIGGER) ones…

But, this morning, as I slipped on my size 10’s, I looked in the full length mirror (the one I usually opt out of in favor for the one that only shows my chest and higher) and I noticed something spectacular… I have a space between my thighs again… HOLY SHIT!!!! I really do! I honestly cannot remember when my thighs did not rub together when I walked. Now, if THAT ain't smexy I don't know what is!!!! LOL

So watch out folks… “It’s called makin’ a COMEBACK!”

Oh, and PS - Quick update from my day from hell. On the way home that night, my daughter pointed out that there was bird poop on her window. Conversation went a little something like this:

Jo: "Mommy, there is bird poop on my window"

Me: "Yes, I know, Josie."

Jo: "There is bird poop on your window too"

Me: "Yes, I know, Josie."

Jo: "Is there poop on Mia's window?"

Me: "Probably..."

Jo: "And on Blake's?"

Me: "Probably..."

Jo: "That bird pooped a lot..."

This is when I realize she must be picturing a HUGE fucking bird, just flying over my car, following me around town, with god awful diarrhea!! :) Kids are so cute...


Friday, December 5, 2008

You say "Good Morning!" - I say "@#% You!!"

Ok, first of all, I am OBVIOUSLY having a seriously shitty day. And lucky you, I would like to tell you allllllll about it!

First, a little setup… I got strep throat on Sunday night. Went home sick from work Monday, went to the doctor, got my pills, went home to feel sorry for my self. By the next morning, Josie and Mia were both sick too (doctor prescribed them antibiotics too) and Blake has a cold. Been at home with them, all of us sick, for 2 ½ days. Went to work this morning basically because I was feeling well enough to drive and I needed to get the hell out of my house…

Ok! This morning, about 4 am, my son wakes up crying. His nose is stuffy. I take him down to the couch, clean out his nose, and we both pass out right there. I wake up to Pat handing me my phone, saying “Chris called”. That would be my ex-husband - who takes Josie to school. I look at the clock and it is 7:25. SHIT!!!! (Fyi, I get up at 6:00 am to get myself and my kids ready every morning). Chris had called because he was on my porch and I wasn’t answering the door. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

So I let him in, run upstairs, drag Jo out of bed, toss some clothes on her, brush her hair while she puts on her shoes, and get her a cup of Cocoa Puffs and a juice box to eat for breakfast on the way to school. I grab her backpack and I notice it feels unusually heavy. I open it up and there are projects and notes from school that I had failed to look at Monday night (because I was sick…). One of those notes being that she is out of money on her lunch account. FUCK. Money, money, money, where the fuck is the fucking money? Of course asshole ex has NO cash (big shocker there) and all I have are $50’s. Pat’s wallet! Ok, here’s $20. Coat, hat, gloves, scarf, backpack, breakfast, cash and off to school, 4 minutes late. (Yes, this all took only 9 minutes, I AM Super Mom, remember?)

Oh, and did I mention the whole time Mia is following me around (she woke up when I burst into their room in a frenzy) asking “TeeBee? TeeBee? TEEBEE????!!!!” FINE! I flip on the TV, yell at Pat (who is, of course, back in bed – that’s “just how he rolls”) and tell him to get up and make her breakfast while I hop in the shower. Turn on the water, get naked, look around… no towels. FUUUCK. Alright, streak through the house, find a basket of towels downstairs, streak back up and jump in the shower. SHIT the water is cold! Turn up the heat, and set a new world record for fastest shower on earth.

Jump out, brush teeth, grab clothes, toss on just enough makeup so I don’t look dead, put on my shoes and I’m ready to go. I run into the kitchen to grab my meds and a “Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus” (I love that shit) out of the fridge. There is none… of course! Ok, fine then, I grab a hot one from the box next to the fridge, grab my meds, purse, keys, coat, cigarettes, lighter, and I’m heading to the door! It is 7:59. I have one minute to get west of downtown to get to work. FUCK.

As I am walking out to my car, I realize that it is FUCKING COLD outside. Like, 23 degrees cold. I go BACK inside and get my “heavy” coat. Reach into the pockets – no gloves. Where the fuck are my fucking gloves?? I look in every coat pocket (which trust me, is a lot… I collect coats), can’t find them anywhere. ‘Must be in the car, they gotta be in the car’ I think, so I run back outside and jump in the car. Take off down the road, not even bothering to let the car warm up.

Oh, and… no gloves in the car. I don’t know where the fuck they are. BUT there is a bunch of new trash, and a very icky odor, compliments of Pat taking my car to work the day before.

I reach into my purse and grab my cigarettes. I open up the box and… WTF? I have FOUR. No fucking way. Ok, great, I will just have to ration them out until lunchtime. Only ONE on the way to work today, fine, fine, fine.

All the way to work I am listening to crappy Christmas tunes, and stupid people talking about sales at different stores, and blah blah blah. I am getting ready to pull in to a parking spot when “The Hanukkah Song” came on!! I LOVE that song! Of course, now I am 22 minutes late already and can’t justify 3-4 more just to listen to a song on the radio. So, out of the car, grab all my crap, shove my cold ass hands into my coat pockets (no gloves, remember?) and click the “LOCK” button on my keypad through my pocket. CLUNK. Wtf? I turn around and see that I had apparently hit the wrong fucking button and instead of locking my car, I popped my trunk. Geezus. Walk BACK to the car, close the trunk, LOCK THE CAR, and start running in to the building.

Clock in at 8:26 am. Shit. I didn’t even think to call and let someone know I would be late. Oh well, nothing I can do now.

So, now I’m at work, and things have GOT to start getting better, right? I open my lukewarm tea and start taking my plethora of pills. (A total of 7 – don’t ask). I start sifting through my DAYS worth of emails and voicemails and after an hour, am ready to go back home. My boss called to see what my schedule was like this afternoon, so I pull up my calendar. FUCK. I have to go to jail this afternoon, I totally forgot! (Jail and Bail, March of Dimes thing…) Oh, shit, I don’t want to do that today…

So I sit at my desk, chewing on my bottom lip, trying to NOT go smoke (I am on rations today) when OUCH! Shit, I actually bit a freakin’ whole through my lip. Shit. Its bleeding everywhere, so I am trying to discreetly hold a Kleenex up to it to help the bleeding stop… Every time someone walked by, I pretended to sneeze so they wouldn’t look at me too weird…

I wade through the rest of my morning, and about 11:00 I decide to write a blog. IT SUCKS. So I sent it to my sister to try and make it a little funnier… she even struggled with it, and she said she would call me back later if she thought of anything. (Note, I never did finish that blog…)

So, I decide to go smoke. Glancing at the clock I notice now it is 1:45. Oh Shit. I am supposed to go to jail in 15 minutes! So I grab my shit and head out the door. Speed over there, find a GREAT parking space!! YEA! I am sitting there just finishing my last cigarette, and I notice that there are like a thousand (really a thousand) birds on the ground in the area in front of me. Mia loves birds so I get out of the car to try and take a picture with my phone. I shut my car door and WHOOOSH there they all go… dammit. Oh, well go inside…

Ok, now originally I was “anonymously” nominated to do this by “someone in the community” and my crime was excessive shopping. Which I actually thought was kind of funny, because it is actually a true accusation. I shop WAY too much…

When I went in, they made me where a striped shirt and a tag that said I was arrested for “Excessive use of Band-Aids”… WTF? Great, now I’m the Band-Aid Bandit. What a crock of shit.

Got sat next to “Church Woman” and luckily got released early for good behavior. If I had to stay much longer talking to that woman, I would have traded my watch for a shiv and jammed it into my fucking ears.

Back to the car. Remember the birds? MY CAR IS COVERED IN BIRD SHIT. No kidding, not exaggerating. Oh, it is so fucking nasty, I don’t even want to touch the handle. I WISH I HAD FUCKING GLOVES ON!

Since I’m out early I decide to swing by the gas station and pick up smokes and a coffee. I am standing there putting lots of creamer in my coffee when “Homeless Woman” shows up, stinking to high heaven and stands RIGHT next to me, just staring at me. I finally turn and look at her, and she says “Can I steal your coat?” I look back at her. “No.” I said. “But it is so beautiful, and looks so warm”. “It is. Thanks” and I walk around to the coolers. She FOLLOWS ME. Omg, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I go up to the counter buy my shit and run out to my car, unlocking it from 15 feet away so crazy Homeless Woman doesn’t try to gank me before I can get in the fucking thing. She waved good bye with a very sad look on her face… crazy bitch.

Ok, I leave there and head to Walgreens. What a fucking mess. Go in, get all the shit I need and stand in the line from hell for 20 minutes. Heaven forbid they open a second fucking register. But standing in line I did find some “Medicated” chapstick, which I LOVE. So I grab some, and start putting it on the second I pay for it.

OMG THE BURNING! THE BURNING!!!! Anyone remember me biting my lip that morning?? Well, I fucking didn’t. Medicated Chapstick plus a big gaping whole in your fucking lip equals LOTS of pain.

Get back to work and realize it is 4 pm and I haven’t done a fucking thing today. Work wise, anyways. So I decided to write this blog instead, still not getting anything done… I am already 2 days behind.

And, dammit… I still have to go home tonight… /cry /sniffle /cry

So how was YOUR day????

Monday, December 1, 2008

Three "Wise Men"??? I seriously doubt it...

Note: I am not a Christmas hater, or a man hater... fyi... :)

So on my way to work, I usually enjoy listening to my favorite radio show… but this morning, there was only… Christmas songs… ugh.

Now, I’m not a scrooge, but I think it’s a little early for Christmas songs. It is December FIRST... not TWENTY FIRST... And in my opinion, if they ARE going to be playing them, they should play some freakin’ songs that people actually KNOW. I didn’t hear any jingle bells, Rudolph, Santa Baby, nothing...

But all the Christmas songs and chatter (about Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the 3 wise men, and all their fun loving animal friends) got me thinking – about the phrase “Three Wise Men”.

What a load of crap. I can’t think of anytime that I have seen 3 men get together and actually be “Wise”.

In fact, if you even get two together, I honestly believe that their IQs actually DROP about 50 points. And holy crap, if you add alcohol into the mix, they just keep getting dumber and dumber with every shot...

The man that is a genuine intellectual will suddenly have a full and complete list of dick and fart jokes to share with you AND all his friends...

The husband that is usually very responsible will be using his ‘one phone call’ to let you know that he will not be home for dinner that night...

And the hard-working, down-to-earth guy will have to explain why he and his friends decided to skip work in order to build a 40 foot water slide off the top of your house into the neighbor’s pool while you visited your sister over the weekend...

Now, add in some cool shit like gold, frankincense and myrrh. First, frankincense and myrrh are “technically” considered to be incense. Which means they can be lit on fire and smoked – medically the smoke is used for easing depression and anxiety.

(And by the way, what the hell would a little baby need that for? How depressed and anxious can he really be at 3 days old?? And the gold? Is that for mommy and daddy so they can get a real hotel room instead of hanging out with the cattle?)

Whatever. If 3 guys really had all that, they sure as shit wouldn’t be taking it to a baby shower. They would take that gold, hit the nearest pub, grab some dancing girls, and party in the new year.