Friday, December 5, 2008

You say "Good Morning!" - I say "@#% You!!"

Ok, first of all, I am OBVIOUSLY having a seriously shitty day. And lucky you, I would like to tell you allllllll about it!

First, a little setup… I got strep throat on Sunday night. Went home sick from work Monday, went to the doctor, got my pills, went home to feel sorry for my self. By the next morning, Josie and Mia were both sick too (doctor prescribed them antibiotics too) and Blake has a cold. Been at home with them, all of us sick, for 2 ½ days. Went to work this morning basically because I was feeling well enough to drive and I needed to get the hell out of my house…

Ok! This morning, about 4 am, my son wakes up crying. His nose is stuffy. I take him down to the couch, clean out his nose, and we both pass out right there. I wake up to Pat handing me my phone, saying “Chris called”. That would be my ex-husband - who takes Josie to school. I look at the clock and it is 7:25. SHIT!!!! (Fyi, I get up at 6:00 am to get myself and my kids ready every morning). Chris had called because he was on my porch and I wasn’t answering the door. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

So I let him in, run upstairs, drag Jo out of bed, toss some clothes on her, brush her hair while she puts on her shoes, and get her a cup of Cocoa Puffs and a juice box to eat for breakfast on the way to school. I grab her backpack and I notice it feels unusually heavy. I open it up and there are projects and notes from school that I had failed to look at Monday night (because I was sick…). One of those notes being that she is out of money on her lunch account. FUCK. Money, money, money, where the fuck is the fucking money? Of course asshole ex has NO cash (big shocker there) and all I have are $50’s. Pat’s wallet! Ok, here’s $20. Coat, hat, gloves, scarf, backpack, breakfast, cash and off to school, 4 minutes late. (Yes, this all took only 9 minutes, I AM Super Mom, remember?)

Oh, and did I mention the whole time Mia is following me around (she woke up when I burst into their room in a frenzy) asking “TeeBee? TeeBee? TEEBEE????!!!!” FINE! I flip on the TV, yell at Pat (who is, of course, back in bed – that’s “just how he rolls”) and tell him to get up and make her breakfast while I hop in the shower. Turn on the water, get naked, look around… no towels. FUUUCK. Alright, streak through the house, find a basket of towels downstairs, streak back up and jump in the shower. SHIT the water is cold! Turn up the heat, and set a new world record for fastest shower on earth.

Jump out, brush teeth, grab clothes, toss on just enough makeup so I don’t look dead, put on my shoes and I’m ready to go. I run into the kitchen to grab my meds and a “Diet Lipton Green Tea with Citrus” (I love that shit) out of the fridge. There is none… of course! Ok, fine then, I grab a hot one from the box next to the fridge, grab my meds, purse, keys, coat, cigarettes, lighter, and I’m heading to the door! It is 7:59. I have one minute to get west of downtown to get to work. FUCK.

As I am walking out to my car, I realize that it is FUCKING COLD outside. Like, 23 degrees cold. I go BACK inside and get my “heavy” coat. Reach into the pockets – no gloves. Where the fuck are my fucking gloves?? I look in every coat pocket (which trust me, is a lot… I collect coats), can’t find them anywhere. ‘Must be in the car, they gotta be in the car’ I think, so I run back outside and jump in the car. Take off down the road, not even bothering to let the car warm up.

Oh, and… no gloves in the car. I don’t know where the fuck they are. BUT there is a bunch of new trash, and a very icky odor, compliments of Pat taking my car to work the day before.

I reach into my purse and grab my cigarettes. I open up the box and… WTF? I have FOUR. No fucking way. Ok, great, I will just have to ration them out until lunchtime. Only ONE on the way to work today, fine, fine, fine.

All the way to work I am listening to crappy Christmas tunes, and stupid people talking about sales at different stores, and blah blah blah. I am getting ready to pull in to a parking spot when “The Hanukkah Song” came on!! I LOVE that song! Of course, now I am 22 minutes late already and can’t justify 3-4 more just to listen to a song on the radio. So, out of the car, grab all my crap, shove my cold ass hands into my coat pockets (no gloves, remember?) and click the “LOCK” button on my keypad through my pocket. CLUNK. Wtf? I turn around and see that I had apparently hit the wrong fucking button and instead of locking my car, I popped my trunk. Geezus. Walk BACK to the car, close the trunk, LOCK THE CAR, and start running in to the building.

Clock in at 8:26 am. Shit. I didn’t even think to call and let someone know I would be late. Oh well, nothing I can do now.

So, now I’m at work, and things have GOT to start getting better, right? I open my lukewarm tea and start taking my plethora of pills. (A total of 7 – don’t ask). I start sifting through my DAYS worth of emails and voicemails and after an hour, am ready to go back home. My boss called to see what my schedule was like this afternoon, so I pull up my calendar. FUCK. I have to go to jail this afternoon, I totally forgot! (Jail and Bail, March of Dimes thing…) Oh, shit, I don’t want to do that today…

So I sit at my desk, chewing on my bottom lip, trying to NOT go smoke (I am on rations today) when OUCH! Shit, I actually bit a freakin’ whole through my lip. Shit. Its bleeding everywhere, so I am trying to discreetly hold a Kleenex up to it to help the bleeding stop… Every time someone walked by, I pretended to sneeze so they wouldn’t look at me too weird…

I wade through the rest of my morning, and about 11:00 I decide to write a blog. IT SUCKS. So I sent it to my sister to try and make it a little funnier… she even struggled with it, and she said she would call me back later if she thought of anything. (Note, I never did finish that blog…)

So, I decide to go smoke. Glancing at the clock I notice now it is 1:45. Oh Shit. I am supposed to go to jail in 15 minutes! So I grab my shit and head out the door. Speed over there, find a GREAT parking space!! YEA! I am sitting there just finishing my last cigarette, and I notice that there are like a thousand (really a thousand) birds on the ground in the area in front of me. Mia loves birds so I get out of the car to try and take a picture with my phone. I shut my car door and WHOOOSH there they all go… dammit. Oh, well go inside…

Ok, now originally I was “anonymously” nominated to do this by “someone in the community” and my crime was excessive shopping. Which I actually thought was kind of funny, because it is actually a true accusation. I shop WAY too much…

When I went in, they made me where a striped shirt and a tag that said I was arrested for “Excessive use of Band-Aids”… WTF? Great, now I’m the Band-Aid Bandit. What a crock of shit.

Got sat next to “Church Woman” and luckily got released early for good behavior. If I had to stay much longer talking to that woman, I would have traded my watch for a shiv and jammed it into my fucking ears.

Back to the car. Remember the birds? MY CAR IS COVERED IN BIRD SHIT. No kidding, not exaggerating. Oh, it is so fucking nasty, I don’t even want to touch the handle. I WISH I HAD FUCKING GLOVES ON!

Since I’m out early I decide to swing by the gas station and pick up smokes and a coffee. I am standing there putting lots of creamer in my coffee when “Homeless Woman” shows up, stinking to high heaven and stands RIGHT next to me, just staring at me. I finally turn and look at her, and she says “Can I steal your coat?” I look back at her. “No.” I said. “But it is so beautiful, and looks so warm”. “It is. Thanks” and I walk around to the coolers. She FOLLOWS ME. Omg, I gotta get the fuck out of here. I go up to the counter buy my shit and run out to my car, unlocking it from 15 feet away so crazy Homeless Woman doesn’t try to gank me before I can get in the fucking thing. She waved good bye with a very sad look on her face… crazy bitch.

Ok, I leave there and head to Walgreens. What a fucking mess. Go in, get all the shit I need and stand in the line from hell for 20 minutes. Heaven forbid they open a second fucking register. But standing in line I did find some “Medicated” chapstick, which I LOVE. So I grab some, and start putting it on the second I pay for it.

OMG THE BURNING! THE BURNING!!!! Anyone remember me biting my lip that morning?? Well, I fucking didn’t. Medicated Chapstick plus a big gaping whole in your fucking lip equals LOTS of pain.

Get back to work and realize it is 4 pm and I haven’t done a fucking thing today. Work wise, anyways. So I decided to write this blog instead, still not getting anything done… I am already 2 days behind.

And, dammit… I still have to go home tonight… /cry /sniffle /cry

So how was YOUR day????

5 comments:

  1. "Where hte fuck is the fucking tuna!?"

    Hi, this is my sister Angie, she likes to say Fuck.....a lot. ROFL

    Sorry you had such a fucking shitty day...I I loved reading about it! lol Hope today is better!

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  2. WOW ....I am so NOT the morning person (just ask my husband). But after reading about yours, and the rest of your day .... I can handle anything!! LOL ...hope you feel better soon.

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  3. This has got to be the best blog I have read in a long time. It was so funny. I do not mean to say I am laughing at your shitty day, but just the way you told your story. I am sorry you had a shitty day.

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  4. OMG! I am sorry you had a fucking shitty day btu seriously, if I read the word fuck one more time I might fucking wet myself! Anyways...I was reading this in like fast-forward because I'm sure that is how your day felt. At least in the morning anyways!

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  5. Is it totally wrong that I laughed my ass off while reading this? When I read about your Jail and Bail I had to smile. I'm a former M.O.D. poster girl and was "arrested" for speeding (I hauled ass in my wheelchair...).

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