Thursday, November 13, 2008

So I'm a BIG freakin' Sissy

So, as I was trying to think of ideas for my blog (as I OBVIOUSLY need some new ones, my last couple of posts having been lacking of their original luster), it was suggested to me to write about the things in my life that I was afraid of, but have overcome. That I could call the blog "No Fear".
Uh, huh...

What a fucking joke. Do you see what the title of this is?? Yep. That's right. BIG SISSY. Anyone who read my Legendary Spider Adventure should now by now, I do not "Face my Fears" well. I make the cowardly lion look like the freakin' terminator.

If there are things that I am afraid of, I don't DO THOSE THINGS. End of story. Isn't that sad? There are a lot of things that was scared of, but went ahead and TRIED - and it scared the shit out of me, so I never did it again... Apparently with me, there are no "second chances".

For example, I was so scared of the diving board when I was younger. At a class field trip we went to an olympic sized swimming pool with several diving boards, including a high dive. All of my classmates were SO excited about it and were pushing and shoving to be the first ones in line. EXCEPT ME. I hung in the back, letting everyone cut in line. I had abosolutely NO desire to climb 2 stories up, walk out on a 2" thick piece of plastic and purposely hurl myself towards a few (ok 10) feet of water. I was sure I would hurt myself, get water up my nose, break something or die.

Now, as I stood in the back of the line, other kids starting teasing me and pushing me toward the ladder... peer pressure is a bitch.

After all the pushing and laughing and giggling, I was finally forced onto the ladder of doom. Up and up and up I climbed, shaking with fear, and listening to the other kids tell me to hurry so they could have another turn.

I walked out onto the diving board. It was blue, wet, and scratchy on the bottoms of my feet. I bravely walked out to the end. Looked down. OMG. There is no way I can do this. "JUST JUMP!" I thought to myself. So I plugged my nose (told you I was a geek), ran, and jumped! All I remember is falling and falling and falling.... and peeing my pants... yes. That's right. I peed my pants. Well, swimsuit. I don't think anyone really saw that part, because I was never made fun of about it (or maybe they were just being nice... who the fuck am I kidding, kids aren't nice!). But that humilation has stuck with me for 20 years. I HATE the diving board. I don't go on the diving board. I just don't.

Same with rollar coasters. When I was VERY little, my uncle (I think it was, can't remember I was VERY little...) was running the little kiddie "alligator rollar coaster" at a carnival (and don't give me shit about carnie relatives!). Anyone remember that? The track was like 2' to 4 feet off the ground and went in a big oval. They put me, my sister, my brother and a slew of other little kids on it and I was SO excited. Until it STARTED. Oh, I fucking lost it. I screamed and flailed and damn near tried to jump out. I fucking hated it and I wanted OFF THAT SECOND. They had to stop the ride so I could get off. I'm sure all the other little kids were shooting me dirty looks, and I could still very well be on someone's "People to Kill" list for fucking up the awesome rollar coaster ride for everyone.

I have not ridden a rollar coaster since. Or any other ride at a carnival - I guess in my mind they are ALL guilty by association.

Other things I hate, because they scared the ever-loving shit out of me, and I have NO explanation why. I don't know why, I just know I'm scared.

Like.... I hate spiders. I don't kill them. I scream and get someone else to kill them. The ONLY ONLY ONLY exception is when I am in a position that one of my kids might get bit by it or something. Then and only then can I reach out with that magazine, flyswatter, or shoe and smash the freakin' thing. And NEVER IN MY LIFE would I ever consider killing a spider with my bare hands. You would have to be out of your fucking mind to even SUGGEST that to me.

I hate to drive in cities that I don't know. I will drive all the highways you can throw at me, but once we hit the city - "here it's your turn". No shit. That's one reason I don't travel alone! I will fly in and take a cab everywhere. I am willing to pay money for the convienence ofsomeone else taking me where ever I wish to go, as well as the luxury of not getting lost in the wrong part of town and ending up chopped into little pieces and turned into a piece of artwork at Charlie Manson's cousin's house. I am scared that I will get lost - because I HAVE. I don't like to be lost. I'm a control freak, and when you are lost in a strange city, all control goes out the window.

I am also afraid of confrontation. Which is weird because as a older teenager, I was MS. Confrontation. But as I get older and older, I get meeker and meeker. I don't want to stir the pot. I don't want to rock the boat. I will send my food back at a restaraunt, but I try and be as nice as I can about it most of the time, for fear that they will totally fuck up my food (I saw the movie Waiting...).

I am afraid of glass doors covered with blinds or curtains at nighttime. No kidding, I really am. I have this irrational fear that "someone is out there". I cannot shake it. I cannot bring myself to pull the curtains back at night. Omg, I just can't. I even picture what my attacker would look like, and have had nightmares about that crazy son of a bitch.

So, anyways, I guess that about sums up how well I have "overcome" my fears in life... what are you afraid of???? :)

1 comment:

  1. Uh huh....you are soooooo nice to those waitresses when you're food is all fucked up... lol whatever! Only if I am there saying "Now be niiiiice"
    So what..... you are a big pussy....I still love you! :-) Besides, at least you TRIED some of the things you were scared of! Wether or not you did them again just for kicks is beside the point. You at least got the courage to TRY some of them!
    PS. I thought it was kinda funny as you peed yourself when you were falling...that is pretty funny!

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