Friday, November 21, 2008

Girls Don't Poop

There are a few misconceptions that men (in general) have about women out there that I feel an obligation to clear up. It seems as if little boys around the world are either NOT getting this information from their mommies, sisters, etc., OR they have always been just "man enough" to ignore the completely obvious.

When couples first start dating, everything is perfect! A lot of men and women out there dating have never lived with a member of the opposite sex before, and there are just some things that men tend to believe about women regardless of whether or not it LOGICALLY makes any sense... And I know that part of the problem is the women's fault as we can (on occasion) lead you to believe some things to be true, but I have never understood why men actually believe certain myths.

For instance...

MYTH - Girls don't poop. Well sorry fellas, I know it is very unladylike, a little icky and a whole lot gross to imagine your woman on the shitter for 30 minutes reading a magazine, BUT IT HAPPENS. Usually every day.

MYTH - Girls don't burp or fart. Um... yea that one is total horseshit. I know that men might believe this one because women are careful to not do this around YOU. At first... :) But I can put my man to shame with some of my burps, although I do have to admit my farts are no where near the caliber of his. But we still DO fart.

MYTH - Girls faces are magically colored to enhance our beauty from the moment we wake up. Sorry, I'm gonna nip this one in the bud too... You wanna know the REAL reason women tend to not spend the night with you (or you at their house) during that first month or so? It's not our outstanding morals or the need to save "it" for marriage or until we are really really really in love with you... it's because we don't want you to see us first thing in the morning. It's not pretty and no amount of "wishing it away" is going to change that... It takes a lot of time and a lot of effort to look the way we do.

MYTH - Girls' legs, underarms, and private areas are genetically dispositioned to not grow any hair. And if any hair does grow, it will naturally keep itself neat and tidy and visually appealing. Ok men are just fucking morons to believe this. But none the less, after two days of romping around in the sheets, only surfacing to grab the phone to order delivery or take a quick potty break, men are actually SHOCKED when they run their hand up your leg and feel the prickly's. They think "it wasn't like that yesterday!!!" Well, no, and I shaved yesterday, dumbass. Didn't shave today, I've been too busy boinking you.

MYTH - Women naturally smell like roses, vanilla, and other yummy smells. We wear perfume dummy. FOR YOU usually. So yea, we are not going to smell like that first thing in the morning... sorry...

MYTH - Women don't perspire. Nope, we get all hot and sweaty just like you. If it is hot out and you think it's funny to tickle us under the arms, be prepared that your hand might get a little MOIST. Would you stick your hand in YOUR armpit in 110 degree heat? Nope, didn't think so.

MYTH - Women LOVED to be tickled. I fucking hate to be tickled, and I would bet $1 that your woman hates it too.

MYTH - Women want their man to be in charge. I'm pretty sure that MOST men should know this by now, but women can make decisions on their own AND they actually do have opinions. We don't need you to "take care of" everything. You want to be in charge of the trash, fine, but do not expect us to check with you on any given decision that needs to be made every single time.

MYTH - Women have no idea what they want to eat. We know, and we are perfectly capable of ordering it ourselves. Thanks.

MYTH - Car? What's a car? Women are not stupid, so please stop assuming that we know nothing about cars. We know what it means to get the oil changed and we know that it should not cost us $200, so stop trying to rip us off at auto shops. Also, we can and do drive ourselves around town, so we can in fact pick out the kind of car we want to buy without our boyfriend's or daddy's advice or approval - so stop "suggesting" I call him.

MYTH - Women love to take care of the house (laundry, dishes, vacuuming, dusting, etc.) and would prefer if you just sit on your ass watching the game. Um, no. A little help would nice, asshole. And it wouldn't kill you to cook a meal.

MYTH - All women are great cooks. NOT TRUE! I know lots of gals that can order a pizza like nobodies business, but couldn't cook spaghetti to save their lives. Do yourself a favor and learn to cook. Even if your woman CAN cook, that doesn't mean she WANTS to cook 3 meals a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.

MYTH - Women don't know how to grill. Bullshit.

Well, I know there are more than that, but that is all my tiny little woman brain can think of right now. Feel free to add more in comments if you can think of any!!


  1. Oh I can totally blow Leo out of the water with my farts. I can't help how they smell! :)

  2. ROFL Too funny sweetie! Girls may not do these things, but women do whatever the hell they want! Right? lol
    I hear you on the grilling husband ALWAYS says it's a guy's job....pfffftttt. My response is usually something like "Well sweetie, do you remember who taught you had to grill? That would be me." He knew how to burn things on the grill when I met him, but he didn't know how to cook it to perfection or even marinate. lol

  3. DOn't even come NEAR me after we've had stuffed cabbage. I'm just sayin'.


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