Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Ways of the Woman - Wax On, Wax Off...

I was never what you would call a “girly girl”. I didn’t do my hair AT ALL (didn’t even dry it most of the time, let alone style or curl it), or pay attention to clothes, jewelry, or any of that crap. Hell, I didn’t even wear mascara or lipstick…I bought my clothes at Wal-Mart and Target, buying whatever was on sale and usually only buying clothes when I HAD to.

Most of my clothes were cheap and poor quality, and I really didn’t give a shit. I had like 2 or 3 pairs of black pants that I wore to work, over and over and over again… and I only wore dresses to weddings (and only then if I was in the freakin’ thing and HAD to wear a dress – otherwise, black pants here I come).

But the past few years have been progressive for me and the last 6 months have really been a turning point...

A few years back, it all started with a slight obsession with shoes and boots; then came the purses… then coats, jackets, scarves, etc. Then I actually bought my first bottle of REAL perfume (which I STILL wear, lol). Before that, I had always just used body spray and that was only IF I remembered.

2 years ago, I think is when took my first big step. I got LASIK eye surgery. OMG no more glasses, messing with contacts, NOTHING!! I have realized that (in retrospect) contacts and glasses were part of the reason I never wore eye make-up. Mascara would always flake and get stuck in my eyes, blah blah blah…

Then about 6 months ago, I bought (off of the internet, of course) the world’s BEST hair straightener and I used it EVERY day since. Got into the habit of allotting myself an extra 30-45 minutes so I could do my hair every morning. Just these 2 things (hair and no glasses) made me feel a lot better about my appearance…

Also about six months ago is when I started my weight loss program. As I slowly started losing weight, I got more and more interested in clothes and accessories, probably because I was finally able to find clothes that I thought ACTUALLY LOOKED GOOD on me… Necklaces no longer made my neck look fat and rings didn’t have rolls of fat on either side of the band!! Holy shit!!!

Then, I started really DOING my makeup (another 10 extra minutes in the morning by the way…). It was then that I realized I have turned into a girly girl… omg, what has the world come to???

So, as I embrace my girly-ness new ideas keep popping into my head every day… Like a couple of weeks ago, I decided that since I use up a lot of my “getting ready time” in the morning for hair, make-up, clothes, accessories, etc., I have been neglecting the CHORE of shaving my legs… /sigh. I fucking HATE shaving my legs.

(I remember when I couldn’t WAIT to start shaving my legs! Now I think of it as another pointless chore, like making the bed. I mean, the bed is just gonna get slept in the same night! What’s the point? Well the leg hair will start growing back immediately and I will need to shave again by tomorrow… see my logic?)

Anyways, the point to the story is I got the bright idea of WAXING my legs… yep…
My thoughts were, “It will take like 30 minutes, but I won’t have to do it again for like a MONTH!!” Sounds like a freakin’ dream, right??? Nooooooo…

I had convinced myself that I could do it. Sure it would hurt, but so did childbirth and I survived that. And it can’t possibly hurt THAT bad, right? Hmmm, wrong again, Angie…silly little bitch...

So one evening, I gathered up all the waxing materials that I would need and headed to the bathroom.

I laid everything out on the counter with the instructions taped FIRMLY to the mirror so I would have my hands free for more important things (like dialing 911). I took the popsicle stick and applied a THIN layer of wax to my left shin. It wasn’t too hot, so it didn’t burn, GOOD START!! I apply the cloth strip to the wax covered area, and rub down several times, like the directions said to.

At this point, I’m thinking “I am following the instructions, this will work out great!!” I counted to 3 then grabbed a hold of the bottom of the cloth strip, preparing to “Remove in the opposite direction of the hair growth”. I suddenly froze. My mind was screaming “What the fuck are you thinking??? We are SO not doing this!!” Well, I sat there gripping the strip for about 10 seconds trying to figure out if abandoning the project was even an option at this point… well no, dumb shit – you already have wax on your leg covered with cloth. What are you going to do, just NEVER pull it off?? So I took a DEEEEEP breath, closed my eyes (yea I really did) and YANKED!


Omg, yea girls, it hurts. I was trying to decide if I was going to just shave the rest off, or what, when I looked at the strip. WOW it ACTUALLY worked!! I looked at my leg – AWESOME! Perfect little bare patch was beaming back at me. It had worked! And I was still alive!! I took my finger and rubbed the bare little spot – ooooooo sooooooo soft!!! I could do this – it hurt, sure, but it was bearable! Especially if my legs were going to end up THIS SMOOTH….. ooooooooooo…..

So I was convinced. I grab my popsicle stick, and smear on some more wax, press the cloth down, count to 3 and – FREEZE. Even though my mind was sure about this self-mutilation, apparently my flesh was not cooperating. So again, I spent about 5-10 seconds talking my hand into it – RRRIIIIIIIPPPP! WHOO HOO it worked again!!!!

After about 5 or 6 strips, I think my nerves were just starting to go numb, and I finished up the left leg (well, the knee down, anyways) with no further problems, and even did the other leg!!

O yeah, baby! It is I, the Amazing Angie, the Master Waxer extraordinaire! I AM NOW A REAL WOMAN! Oh yes, I have fought the body hair, and I WON! And no shaving for a month!!!

After several minutes of congratulating myself, and patting myself on the back, I hear a little voice in the back of my mind… I said to myself, “Hey that wasn’t so bad! You know, Angie……… your bikini area could really use some TL-Waxing too…”

Hmmm, that is a very interesting proposition… “You know what, self?? YOU’RE RIGHT! Good looking out, man!!”

………Can you see where this is going?

I propped up my foot on the toilet seat, and CAREFULLY applied wax to the left of my bikini area. I applied the strip… so far so good. And of course, I had to pause and give myself a little pep talk one last time…


IT WORKED! WHOOOOOO! It hurt (A LOT – A lot more than the legs, FOR SURE), but it ACTUALLY worked! I was constantly being impressed with this fabulous product called WAX. Wow, amazing stuff! I should buy stock!!

So without further adieu, I slapped on some more wax to the right side, tossed the strip on, and waited for a few seconds.

This is where I ran into a slight problem… apparently yanking on a small cloth strip with your right hand is pretty much impossible when waxing the right side of your bikini area. Hmmm… so I guess we try it Southpaw, right? Let’s DO IT!!!! 1, 2, 3, RIIIIIIP!






After the tears subsided, and the spots dancing across my vision subsided, I looked down to see my newly manicured bush… WTF?

I look at the strip glued to my hand – 16 lonely hairs clung to the sad little strip… Motherfucker. Unfortunately, I lack the dexterity in my left hand required for “Bikini Zone Waxing” and half of the wax and most of the hair is still stuck to my ‘Giner.

Well, shit. I reach down and see if I can pull some of the clumps of wax off with my fingers – little tip for you: DON’T TRY TO PULL OFF CLUMPS OF WAX WITH YOUR FINGERS.

I wildly scan the counter for the little tiny bottle of “Wax Remover” that I had read about in the directions… where the fuck is the fucking bottle???? Is this a fucking joke??

THERE IT IS! On the floor, about 4 feet away! It must have gotten knocked off during one of my hysterics…

I immediately dive for the bottle of sweet sweet oil, when I feel my private areas PULL.

Oh shit. In my haste I had forgotten a very important detail – there was still wax on the right side of my ‘giner. So, my leg and my hoo-ha were now stuck – together. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I grab the little bottle and start dumping it on. I rubbed and rubbed, working it in between my leg and my girly parts, crying the whole time, tears dripping all over the place... “Please, oh please work, I promise I will never be this fucking stupid again, just please let this work!!”

After about 4 hours (ok, at least 5 minutes) of rubbing, the wax finally started to come off. Underneath the mound of wax and matted hair, I now see a HUGE bruise that looks VERY MUCH like a gigantic hickey. Perfect! Now, how in the fuck am I going to explain THAT to my husband??? “I swear honey, it was from waxing my legs…” Uh huh…fucking wax.

I never did get the right side done. I have decided that home waxing is the stupidest fucking idea EVER.

But considering that I still hate shaving, I made an appointment for next week to go to a “professional” (professional waxer, not like a hooker or anything…). I’ll let you know how it goes…wish me luck!!

That bitch better know what she is doing… I’m debating on taking a pain pill before I go…


  1. I think I p'd all over myself. Totaly 'saw' the whole thing happen. I find that everything is much easier when you simply write the check, and pay somebody else to put you in pain.
    For me, everything is shaved, shaved, and shaved. You have way more courage than me. Once in a 'blue' moon, I will treat myself with an eyebrow wax. But, when I do this little chore myself, I use anbesol for tooth aches.

    WTG on being a girlie girl!! And major high five on your skinnyness!!!!

    BTW: Love the new blog!

  2. and why i refuse to wax. give me a razor and ingrown hairs any day of the week. waxing is for eyebrows...only. i have to go take a painkiller, just from reading this post!!

  3. rofl Christine! Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the top of my blog, that if you are prone to weting your pants, please put on your 'Depends' before reading this blog! :)

    And shit, I never thought of anbesol! Good idea!!! (wuss....) J/K!

  4. and Melissa - I totally forgot to mention ingrown hairs, thank you for reminding me!!!! Another reason I am paying for pain!!

    Funny enough, it never occurred to me to wax my eyebrows - I don't even pluck them... I neglect my eyebrows... /SHAME!

  5. Well that would have been helpful!!!!!!! LMAO!!

  6. I have gone to the professionals and I am here to tell you it is soooo worth it. It lasts forever!!! I just popped a few tylenol before going. It hurts but taking the 30 minutes of pain for 6 weeks of easy girly management was worth the pain. Loved the blog. I was laughing the whole way through


  8. That...was...HILARIOUS! I have minimal hair so I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs, but if I ever decide to give my girly bits a trim, I'll pay for it - in cash. lol!

  9. Oh my gosh girl! You have me in tears here. Seriously! The kids are looking at me like am NUTS....

    Oh I am so sorry for your pain, but you told that story soooo good! Oh, where is my tissue!

  10. LMAO...Next time you do it can I video it!!!! I think we could make some $$$$!! So, you are on a mission to find the perfect body hair removal product huh? Keep us posted and let me know if you find it!!!


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