On a Mission...

So, to answer a question - Needsleepy, yes I am on a mission to find the perfect body hair removal product/service available for lazy ass people... like ME...

Now, I stated before that I made an appointment with a professional to have them make me sleek, shiny and hairless, and my appointment was supposed to be last week. Well, I talked to another friend who suggested "Body Sugaring" in lieu of waxing. Apparently it is less painful, only removes the hair and any dead skin (as opposed to the whole top layer of skin with waxing), and since it only removes the dead skin, you are able to go over and over the same spot as much as needed to get each and every subborn little hair.

After hearing about this amazing service, I immediately called and cancelled my original appointment and made another one at a different salon to have myself "Sugared". My appointment is on Thursday this week, and I am REALLY looking forward to it!!!!

WARNING: The following paragraphs have to do with girly parts... just letting you know, so you are not shocked or offended... :)

I do have to admit, I did make an ass out of myself when I called though. I asked them about pricing and they told me that legs were X amount, bikini was X amount, and LA bikini was X amount. I asked "well whats the difference between regular bikini and LA"? The woman paused for a second and explained to me in a very kind way that Regular was just the part that would show around the edge of your undergarments and LA would be a complete removal of all hair...

Well, duh, Angie, pull your head out of your ass... what did you think it was?? How many different ways IS THERE to wax a bikini area? Anyways, that brings me to my main concern...

Could I really be capable of letting some strange woman give me a LA bikini "sugaring"?????

Just picturing the scene in my head makes me cringe... I mean, do I really want to sit in a chair with my ankles in the air, letting some lady spread some concoction all over my girly parts, then rip it off "over and over again until she gets every last stubborn little hair"???? I don't know if I am woman enough for that, to be honest.

I went ahead and made the appointment for it, but I might chicken out.

Even though woman don't have the same issues with their "downstairs" as men do (Like, I'm not toooo worried about if another woman's 'giner is bigger than mine....), I PERSONALLY do feel some apprehension about my upcoming appointment... I mean, what if I have a weird looking vagina? I mean, to be honest, I haven't seen THAT MANY vaginas, so I wouldn't really know... I think it is normal, but what if I have an extra lip, or something is in the wrong place???? Or what if ALLL those vaginal child deliveries made it saggy and droopy??

I mean, seriously, I know there are parts of mine that I CAN'T EVEN SEE!! What if I have some weird birthmark in the shape of a dildo or something equally odd and/or embarrassing?

Not to mention the fact that your hair is supposed to be 1/4" long... well I got a ruler out today just to kinda see how long 1/4" really is, and holy crap! My legs, I'm not really sure I'm gonna hit the mark, and sadly, I think I have left the 1/4" goal in the freakin' dust on the Downstairs area. Will she have to get scissors out to trim it up, just to be able to FIND the freakin' thing??? And do I really want a stranger that close to my bits with really sharp scissors????

I usually have that tiny bit of embarrassment when I have a pedicure, especially if I haven't shaved my legs recently (and as we have discussed, that is AN EXCELLENT possibility). Well, this is a little more personal that your feet, you know... I mean, is this chick gonna go run and tell the whole salon that I'm lopsided, or how I was so furry I could have passed for a snow shoe????? Then what happens next time when I go in, will they all laugh me??????

Hmmm.... am I overthinking this?

Anyways, I might chicken out and have her do my underarms instead... we'll see...

My Boy...The Man...

As most of you know, I have a precious little boy named Blake. I was a little nervous when I found out my third child would be a boy, as I had 2 GIRLS… and I knew what to do with GIRLS – But boys… no freakin’ clue.

I DO have 2 nephews, but they both have special needs, so the things they do are not always what ALL boys would do, so I wasn’t REALLY sure what I was getting into with the “boy” thing. Everyone kept telling me, “Oh boys are WAY easier!”

But based on the majority of men that I know, I always figured that boys would just be more rowdy, break more shit, have more issues with personal hygiene, get in more fights at school, eat more food and leave more messes than girls… generally speaking… And so far, I think I’m right…

Now, my son is PERFECT (of course, right?) and I love love LOVE him, but I swear to you – He was a man from the day he was born.

So, just to prove my point: I am going to list out a description and YOU GUESS – Is the description about my 10 month old SON or my 31 year old HUSBAND…?????

I bet a dollar, whichever one you pick, you will doubt yourself over and over again… you might even flip flop back and forth on your choice, or maybe you won’t even MAKE a choice! That little voice in the back of your head will be whispering “Well, shit my husband is like that”, or “But that one could be a baby boy, too…”

1. He is a night owl.

2. He watches too much TV.

3. He will not get up in the morning when I want him to.

4. He eats his weight in food on a weekly basis.

5. He will pretty much eat anything I cook and will whine if it is not cooked fast enough.

6. Always wants to take a nap at the MOST inopportune time.

7. Gets bored VERY easily.

8. Has the smelliest shit and farts on the planet.

9. He loves his balls and touches them at every opportunity.

10. He is constantly pulling the front of my shirt down so my boobs show, and then laughs about it.

11. All he has to do is flash me that perfect smile and darling dimples and he can get out of any kind of trouble with me… MOST of the time…

12. When I want to give him attention, he could care less, but if I am busy or on the phone HE NEEDS MY ATTENTION IMMEDIATELY!

13. He sticks his fingers in my mouth whenever I yawn without covering my mouth with my hand.

14. Would eat food off of the floor if I would let him.

AND…

15. The bathroom is probably his favorite room in the whole house…

Ok guys, so which is it?????

The Ways of the Woman - Wax On, Wax Off...

I was never what you would call a “girly girl”. I didn’t do my hair AT ALL (didn’t even dry it most of the time, let alone style or curl it), or pay attention to clothes, jewelry, or any of that crap. Hell, I didn’t even wear mascara or lipstick…I bought my clothes at Wal-Mart and Target, buying whatever was on sale and usually only buying clothes when I HAD to.

Most of my clothes were cheap and poor quality, and I really didn’t give a shit. I had like 2 or 3 pairs of black pants that I wore to work, over and over and over again… and I only wore dresses to weddings (and only then if I was in the freakin’ thing and HAD to wear a dress – otherwise, black pants here I come).

But the past few years have been progressive for me and the last 6 months have really been a turning point...

A few years back, it all started with a slight obsession with shoes and boots; then came the purses… then coats, jackets, scarves, etc. Then I actually bought my first bottle of REAL perfume (which I STILL wear, lol). Before that, I had always just used body spray and that was only IF I remembered.

2 years ago, I think is when took my first big step. I got LASIK eye surgery. OMG no more glasses, messing with contacts, NOTHING!! I have realized that (in retrospect) contacts and glasses were part of the reason I never wore eye make-up. Mascara would always flake and get stuck in my eyes, blah blah blah…

Then about 6 months ago, I bought (off of the internet, of course) the world’s BEST hair straightener and I used it EVERY day since. Got into the habit of allotting myself an extra 30-45 minutes so I could do my hair every morning. Just these 2 things (hair and no glasses) made me feel a lot better about my appearance…

Also about six months ago is when I started my weight loss program. As I slowly started losing weight, I got more and more interested in clothes and accessories, probably because I was finally able to find clothes that I thought ACTUALLY LOOKED GOOD on me… Necklaces no longer made my neck look fat and rings didn’t have rolls of fat on either side of the band!! Holy shit!!!

Then, I started really DOING my makeup (another 10 extra minutes in the morning by the way…). It was then that I realized I have turned into a girly girl… omg, what has the world come to???

So, as I embrace my girly-ness new ideas keep popping into my head every day… Like a couple of weeks ago, I decided that since I use up a lot of my “getting ready time” in the morning for hair, make-up, clothes, accessories, etc., I have been neglecting the CHORE of shaving my legs… /sigh. I fucking HATE shaving my legs.

(I remember when I couldn’t WAIT to start shaving my legs! Now I think of it as another pointless chore, like making the bed. I mean, the bed is just gonna get slept in the same night! What’s the point? Well the leg hair will start growing back immediately and I will need to shave again by tomorrow… see my logic?)

Anyways, the point to the story is I got the bright idea of WAXING my legs… yep…

My thoughts were, “It will take like 30 minutes, but I won’t have to do it again for like a MONTH!!” Sounds like a freakin’ dream, right??? Nooooooo…

I had convinced myself that I could do it. Sure it would hurt, but so did childbirth and I survived that. And it can’t possibly hurt THAT bad, right? Hmmm, wrong again, Angie…silly little bitch...

So one evening, I gathered up all the waxing materials that I would need and headed to the bathroom.

I laid everything out on the counter with the instructions taped FIRMLY to the mirror so I would have my hands free for more important things (like dialing 911). I took the popsicle stick and applied a THIN layer of wax to my left shin. It wasn’t too hot, so it didn’t burn, GOOD START!! I apply the cloth strip to the wax covered area, and rub down several times, like the directions said to.

At this point, I’m thinking “I am following the instructions, this will work out great!!” I counted to 3 then grabbed a hold of the bottom of the cloth strip, preparing to “Remove in the opposite direction of the hair growth”. I suddenly froze. My mind was screaming “What the fuck are you thinking??? We are SO not doing this!!” Well, I sat there gripping the strip for about 10 seconds trying to figure out if abandoning the project was even an option at this point… well no, dumb shit – you already have wax on your leg covered with cloth. What are you going to do, just NEVER pull it off?? So I took a DEEEEEP breath, closed my eyes (yea I really did) and YANKED!

RRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!

Omg, yea girls, it hurts. I was trying to decide if I was going to just shave the rest off, or what, when I looked at the strip. WOW it ACTUALLY worked!! I looked at my leg – AWESOME! Perfect little bare patch was beaming back at me. It had worked! And I was still alive!! I took my finger and rubbed the bare little spot – ooooooo sooooooo soft!!! I could do this – it hurt, sure, but it was bearable! Especially if my legs were going to end up THIS SMOOTH….. ooooooooooo…..

So I was convinced. I grab my popsicle stick, and smear on some more wax, press the cloth down, count to 3 and – FREEZE. Even though my mind was sure about this self-mutilation, apparently my flesh was not cooperating. So again, I spent about 5-10 seconds talking my hand into it – RRRIIIIIIIPPPP! WHOO HOO it worked again!!!!

After about 5 or 6 strips, I think my nerves were just starting to go numb, and I finished up the left leg (well, the knee down, anyways) with no further problems, and even did the other leg!!

O yeah, baby! It is I, the Amazing Angie, the Master Waxer extraordinaire! I AM NOW A REAL WOMAN! Oh yes, I have fought the body hair, and I WON! And no shaving for a month!!!

After several minutes of congratulating myself, and patting myself on the back, I hear a little voice in the back of my mind… I said to myself, “Hey that wasn’t so bad! You know, Angie……… your bikini area could really use some TL-Waxing too…”

Hmmm, that is a very interesting proposition… “You know what, self?? YOU’RE RIGHT! Good looking out, man!!”

………Can you see where this is going?

I propped up my foot on the toilet seat, and CAREFULLY applied wax to the left of my bikini area. I applied the strip… so far so good. And of course, I had to pause and give myself a little pep talk one last time…

YANK!

IT WORKED! WHOOOOOO! It hurt (A LOT – A lot more than the legs, FOR SURE), but it ACTUALLY worked! I was constantly being impressed with this fabulous product called WAX. Wow, amazing stuff! I should buy stock!!

So without further adieu, I slapped on some more wax to the right side, tossed the strip on, and waited for a few seconds.

This is where I ran into a slight problem… apparently yanking on a small cloth strip with your right hand is pretty much impossible when waxing the right side of your bikini area. Hmmm… so I guess we try it Southpaw, right? Let’s DO IT!!!! 1, 2, 3, RIIIIIIP!

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HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!!! MY HOO-HA IS ON FIRE!!! OMG!!!!!! KILL ME PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAASE!!!!

After the tears subsided, and the spots dancing across my vision subsided, I looked down to see my newly manicured bush… WTF?

I look at the strip glued to my hand – 16 lonely hairs clung to the sad little strip… Motherfucker. Unfortunately, I lack the dexterity in my left hand required for “Bikini Zone Waxing” and half of the wax and most of the hair is still stuck to my ‘Giner.

Well, shit. I reach down and see if I can pull some of the clumps of wax off with my fingers – little tip for you: DON’T TRY TO PULL OFF CLUMPS OF WAX WITH YOUR FINGERS.

I wildly scan the counter for the little tiny bottle of “Wax Remover” that I had read about in the directions… where the fuck is the fucking bottle???? Is this a fucking joke??

THERE IT IS! On the floor, about 4 feet away! It must have gotten knocked off during one of my hysterics…

I immediately dive for the bottle of sweet sweet oil, when I feel my private areas PULL.

Oh shit. In my haste I had forgotten a very important detail – there was still wax on the right side of my ‘giner. So, my leg and my hoo-ha were now stuck – together. Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I grab the little bottle and start dumping it on. I rubbed and rubbed, working it in between my leg and my girly parts, crying the whole time, tears dripping all over the place... “Please, oh please work, I promise I will never be this fucking stupid again, just please let this work!!”

After about 4 hours (ok, at least 5 minutes) of rubbing, the wax finally started to come off. Underneath the mound of wax and matted hair, I now see a HUGE bruise that looks VERY MUCH like a gigantic hickey. Perfect! Now, how in the fuck am I going to explain THAT to my husband??? “I swear honey, it was from waxing my legs…” Uh huh…fucking wax.

I never did get the right side done. I have decided that home waxing is the stupidest fucking idea EVER.

But considering that I still hate shaving, I made an appointment for next week to go to a “professional” (professional waxer, not like a hooker or anything…). I’ll let you know how it goes…wish me luck!!

That bitch better know what she is doing… I’m debating on taking a pain pill before I go…